Recovery stories
This is a true story about how Sue got through the stress, sadness and loneliness that years of abuse caused her.
Sue and her sister were physically and emotionally abused by their mother during their childhood years and found it very difficult to talk to anyone about it. It was only after leaving the home and talking to people about what had happened that she was able to get through the damaging effects that the abuse had caused her.
Sue is now living happily with her husband, has two sons and is a strong and confident woman. She has come across many challenges in her life and tackled them with amazing courage and bravery.
"I chose to break the silence and speak out – no more lies, no more secrets." - Sue
Sue's Story
Dear reader,
How to write this for total strangers to read in a manner that won’t cause sorrow but instead will give hope?
My background is complicated, certainly not normal and yet, sadly, I am not alone in my experiences. Just the depth and duration changes. My elder sister and I had an English father and oriental mother, for whatever reason and by an unknown method, resulted in us moving from Singapore to England without our mother. I was nearly 1 year old and my sister 5. We lived with our fathers parents (our grandparents) for a while, before going to live with our father and new wife in the south of England.
From the beginning, things did not go well for my sister, now 8; she was physically and emotionally abused by our step mother. Out father reported his concerns to the doctors who, with social services, after 6 months and several complaints decided that Anne was too old to ever from a relationship with her new mother and she missed her grandparents. That is why she was lying, stealing, losing weight and generally thought of as being a horrible, naughty child. Despite out father stating he was concerned for her life. She was abused – but the adults thought it was her fault. My sister thought it was her fault, that she was bad, she wrote letters promising to be good and saying sorry.
I was left behind – nearly 5 years old. My hurt and tears that I have felt and cried didn’t start until many, many years later as an adult in her 40s. Were the tears and pain due to the above? I lived through nearly 10 years of physical, emotional abuse and neglect. Nearly 10 years of increasingly worse punishments – from being fed family scraps, having my name removed kept locked up with no clothes, being treated as a slave of my half sisters, being promised “if you are good” etc, no birthdays, no Christmas, no bed to sleep in, no hugs, no praise – only pain and fear.
Most of my pain and hurt has been caused by “being left behind”, by my father not loving me enough to report or help, “by the social worker that decided ‘the other girls are fine so it must be me’”.
At the time while I was living through this, I didn’t know I was abused, I didn’t know there was help, I didn’t know that what was being done to me was wrong. I wanted to be loved, I wanted my father to pick me up, I wanted to be good. But no matter what it was, I was always in the wrong.
So was I eventually rescued? Not exactly. As I grew older, I became angry and defiant – “ I was not going to cry”, “I was not going to let her win”. I would be so bad that I would be sent to jail – at nearly 13, after shoplifting, stealing food off doorsteps, stealing money from my father’s wallet, she went for help and said I was uncontrollable. I was sent to an assessment centre and made a ward of court. Not rescued, not asked about why, never asked about my treatment.
There are records of reports from teachers, friends, and neighbours – to those that tried to help, thank you. As an adult I have spent many years as a victim – from my teens through to my late 30s. I am rational, held some good jobs, went back to education, brought up two well balanced sons, owned my own business, had the visible trappings of success.
People look at me now and say “but you are ok now, look at you, it was so long ago, it didn’t do you any harm, you are lucky.” They don’t know about the irrational response I have to others peoples anger, the fear of violence, the drive to please others, sometimes at the sacrifice of my own peace of mind, the years of not being able to say “no” so being used, the constant search for love often in the wrong places and with too many men, the struggle of single parenthood at 16, second son at 18, divorced by 19, the work drive to prove “ I am somebody”, “I am not worthless!, the nightmares.
Yet I am incredibly lucky – if you are a victim – think and remember- as a child you had no choice, you were innocent. As an adult you can choose. I chose to go to counselling, I learnt to say no, I wanted to b a survivor and not a victim. I chose to break the silence and speak out – no more lies, no more secrets. Every child deserves and has the right to love and have fun and trust. Every adult has the obligation to try and meet this,
It was not my fault, it is not yours. It is difficult and a long path to become a survivor, but seek help and with small steps you can do it.
I still have relapses but I have peace “most days”.